The Legend of Zelda : A Tasteful Retrospective

                     Would Frodo Baggins from the Lord of the Rings just hand the Ring of Power over to Sauron just for the challenge of hunting Sauron down and kicking that ass? Hell NO. But Link, from Legend of Zelda would do it and kill Sauron before he even grows his first Pubic Hair!

The History 

           On the year I was born, 1986, a simple video game would come to the home console that would significantly change gaming. Shigeru Myamoto is by far one of the most outside thinking video game developers in the history of gaming. His first major success was to to pull his construction worker out of Donkey Kong and give him a certification in Plumbing with Mario Bros. on the Famicom (the NES). While most gaming companies focused on Arcade gaming styles on the home consoles, Myamoto waned to focus on core game play and a goal that would keep gamers playing. 

            Myamoto wanted his games to reflect his childhood passion and desires. One great passion was Myamoto's passion for exploration and discovery. This passion would be translated into an 8 bit world in The Legend of Zelda. In the Christmas season children would open up a box to behold a game in a golden cartridge containing a game unlike any other. The game begins with Link (you could give him any name) in a room with an old man. The man says "It is dangerous out there, take this" and presents Link with a Sword. You can actually make the choice not to take the sword, but you will die! While the game play was clearly the definitive trait that launched the popularity of this game, many of the fans were caught up in the "Legend" of Zelda and the mysterious Triforce that they adventured this new world for. 

                 The Story

        The Legend of Zelda is a story of fantasy, war, and even reincarnation. The Story's center is Link, a young boy who is plunged into a dangerous quest to save his country from invasion. According to its original Hyrule Historia, The people of  Hyrule were relocated to the sky during a great war with The Demon, Demise. The war would lead to a godess relinquishing her immortality and leaving her sword for a Hero to reclaim and face the Demon. Link  would become that Hero. He decended from the sky and defeated the Demon in battle, becoming the Hero of Man. The people of  Hyrule would decend as well to settle their kingdom with the fiive noble races of earth. 

             But Demise would not be stopped and he was born again in the Guerudo Valley as Ganondorf. Ganondorf would return to Hyrule with the intent to seize the kingdom from within. He would curse the Great      Gaurdians of the earth, The Great Deku Tree, and Lord Jabu Jabu, and kill the King of Hyrule. However, Link and Zelda were borne into this world again and together are able to thwart Ganondorf in "The Ocarina of Time". The Legend would become obscured into three deep storylines after the events of the 'Ocarina of Time' since that adventure tore the fabric of time after many events involving time travel. 

The Triforce 

                In the Masterpiece, The Legend of Zelda, A Link to the Past, viewers would see this symbol of three triangles coming together to form a golden symbol that would forever shape the Zelda series. This is the Triforce, a relic left behind from the creators of the planet as a symbol of their existence. The Triforce would stir the interest of the Demon, Demise and start the neverending cycle of battles that tell the games story. The Triforce has three attributes, Wisdom , Power, and Courage. Only one that posesses all three attributes is worthy of controlling the relic.  But Ganondorf shatters the Triforce when he touches it and the relic split into three. The pieces would bond to the three people that had an affinity for its attribute. Link was given the Triforce of Courage, Zelda was given the Triforce of Wisdom, and Ganondorf was left with the Triforce of Power.  Ownership of the Triforce varies based on events of games but these are the essential places that each fragment of the Triforce resides and their masters. 

The Games 

The Legend of Zelda 1986  :                                                  Delicious 

The Legend of Zelda 2 Link's Adventure :                           Satisfying 

The Legend of Zelda "A Link to the Past :                          MASTERPIECE Delicious 

The Legend of Zelda "Link's Awakening":                         Delicious

The Legend of Zelda "Oracle of Seas/Ages":                     Unplayed 

The Legend of Zelda "Ocarina of Time" :                          MASTERPIECE Delicious 

The Legend of Zelda "Majora's Mask":                            Delicious 

The Legend of Zelda " Windwaker" :                                 MASTERPIECE Delicious

The Legend of Zelda  "The Twilight Princess"                   Delicious

The Legend of Zelda  "Minish Cap":                                  Great Tasting  

The Legend of Zelda  "The Phantom Hourglass"              Great Tasting 

The Legend of Zelda  "Spirit Tracks"                                 Great Tasting 

The Legend of Zelda  "Skyward Sword"                             MASTERPIECE Delicious 

The Legend of Zelda   "Ocarina of Time 3D"                     MASTERPIECE Delicious 

The Legend of Zelda   "A Link Between Words"               Unplayed 

The Legend of Zelda    " Windwaker HD"                          Unplayed (can't wait) 

Well if I missed any games let me know in the comments below. I will get to Oracle of Seasons and Ages 

and I plan on doing in depth reviews of the more popular games such as skyward sword. If anyone wants me to 

do an in depth review of any Zelda game let me know in the comments below and I promise I will get to it. I officially 

own every single Zelda title with the exception of  Oracle of Seasons and Oracle of ages. The Panasonic titles 

do not count and were not considered in the Hyrule Historia so please don't make me try to 

review those terrible games

The Legend

               For over 25 years Nintendo has been able to keep the legendary story of Link and his epic battle that takes place in his Universe for hundreds of years. The country of Hyrule evolves from a desolate empty land that is wracked with wars between Gods and Man, to a industrial world connected with railways and vast city towns. It is my assumption that Nintendo will keep the franchise going for another 25 years and maybe even make it into the Box office. This was a Tasteful retrospective of one of the most Delicious franchises in modern gaming history. 

          

GI Joe Retaliation Review

The Snake Eyes we all remember, the Storm Shadow we all remember,  The Cobra Commander we all remember (but without the high raspy voice, and Boobs with a gun...wait...I mean, the Lady Jaye... Sorry the movie really makes you think her code name is Boobs-with-a-gun. My bad...

 GI Joe: Retaliation

:

                     GI Joe Rise of the Cobra..I remember walking into a movie theater in my youth and staring at the fruits of Hollywood pulling down it's pants and shitting all over my childhood Toy Collection. I sat through as much of that movie as I could bear and walked out of the theater. I would debate with people about how bad the movie is. I would ask fans how old they were and get responses like "17" or "19" and I would want to punch the poor children in the head because of their ignorance. But now...A sequel was made and now, because of you guys, I have to watch that movie. I have to punish myself because I sat in a movie theater and realized that these fools weren't rebooting GI JOE, they are making a freaking SEQUEL. My integrity won't allow me to just quickly rate that movie without watching the rest of it so readers...be ready for the review of THAT movie. So how did the sequel hold up? Was the Rock able to save this poorly started franchise or will the Retaliation be an Epic Fail?

   Cast and Crew

                     I have to ponder...How did the director of Step Up 2, Step Up Revolution, and a Justin Beiber movie actually pull this movie off? I do not know. This film is Filmed by
Jon M Chu. I have to say, I don't know i it was studio pressure or Chu's choice of casting but for an Korean American Director, I am surprised how many GI JOE Characters were White Washed. The Cast is still impressive with Dwayne , The Rock  Johnson as leading character playing, Roadblock. His two man team of Joe's, Lady Jaye and Bland Nobody guy played by, Adrienne Palicki, and D.J. Contora are fine for what they are.


                 The REAL Stars of this movie are the Villains! Jonathan Pryce just eats his role up as The President and Zartan. (Yes, I said he plays Zartan Arnold Vosloo, sit down, you were the Face of Zartan fool) Pryce is obviously digging his role in this film and it works so well when he is on screen. Byung-hun Lee is fun to watch as Storm Shadow with his dark attitude and flashy fight sequences. And Luke Bracey...the Commando I always remenbered. Although Pryce stole the show, The Cobra was definitely nastolgic to see on stage.

                                                                          Story

                      The best way to describe this story is that its safe. I understand that they had to play it safe if they wanted to make some green on this movie. the first installment is terrible. This is a typical story about the good guy getting set up and having to go rouge. We have seen the story a thousand times. The Joes are introduced as the movie opens. We get to see the falsely advertised Channing Tatum, who enjoyed a good 39 seconds of screen time.(Honestly, false advertisement ...I had two 'Magic Mike' Fan Girls with me that were quite pissed at the theater!) as Duke, the squad leader of the JOEs. He has a close relationship with Roadblock and the friendship really makes for some fun dialogue in the opening Act.  However, the Cobra set up the JOE.s and annihilate the group killing most of the better actors from the first act. Thus leaving Roadblock alone with two Actors that would be killed off in a scary movie...making you wish that this were a scary movie. Road block has to get his team together and Rise up against the evils set before him.         

              The story is saved by the story of the Cobra. They have their own agenda and you will be thoroughly entertained by it. The Cobra embark on a quest to take over the world and fight of Snake Eyes, the only JOE They couldn't catch.THIS movie should have been called Rise of the Cobra...Witch is what makes me feel that Chu intended to shoot this movie as a Reboot and Hasbro Toys Executives stepped in to shut that down. They thought it would be more profitable to make this a Sequel so the critics like me would be forced to buy that other shitty movie and watch it. But the story is fine and it is muuuuuch better than the first instalment          




                                                                            Presentation

                      The Story may not be that great and the script may have been incredibly silly. But for some reason the way this movie is presented just has a charm that wont disappoint you after you are done with the film.The action really hits and makes up for a lot of the movies obvious flaws.   

                       However I cannot be too forgiving to this movie. The director made some poor choices in dialogue, and just core story sets. Spoiler Alert ....Spoiler Alert Skip a paragraph if you intend to watch this movie: If you watch the trailer, you see a Nuking that takes out a huge city. You would expect that scene to mean something to the story. I mean the way I looked at it, if  the Cobra succeeded in taking out millions they kinda won the fight. But after that bombing. The JOEs come in, kick ass, and the movie ends. No one even mentions the millions of people that die it was as if the scene never even happened. That shit is just sloppy writing!

                                                                            The Rating

                 

 I will be Straight with you .If you are one of those viewers that are able to turn off your sense of reality while watching action movies your shouldn't have a problem watching GI JOE: Retaliation. If you really want to enjoy it, sit through the first movie right before watching it and you should LOVE this one. I didn't do that because I wanted to avoid making the Contrast Error, and over rate this movie. I feel there could have been more done to save this movie. It was okay but I cannot call it a GOOD movie even though I enjoyed some scenes. I would have to say that GI JOE Retaliation may not be FOUL, but it definitely

                                                Needs More Seasoning

 



 

Retro Gaming Quick Bite : Megaman X 2

                     The war continues and Megaman X is the head of the Maverick Hunters in Megaman X 2 Versus the X Hunters...

Retro Quick Bite: Megaman X 2 

                  So Capcom succeeded in knocking the socks off of Megaman Fans with its  release of Megaman X. The innovative new moves and the perfection of side scrolling mechanics is unmatched when you play an X game. If that idea was hard to swallow look at Nintendo's classic hit Super Metroid and try to play the game. The controls are okay but it is very difficult to get used to the controls until you have played the game for an hour or two. Megaman literally takes seconds to jump right into. So is the second installment to Megaman X as amazing as its predecessor?

                  X2 takes place 6 months after the destruction of Sigma.X is promoted to Captain of the Maverick Hunters since Zero Sacrificed himself to save X in the first game. X relinquishes the X Armor because of his desire to never become "Over Powered" and attacks the last of the Maverick resistance. However, he is unable to find Sigma's followers. The last Mavericks unleash a devastating assault on the country with the intent of hunting down and destroying the Blue bomber.   

(Just sample footage, I'm not comentating in this film)


So X finds the X Armor again and you have to fight off the Maverick robot masters to find their mysterious leader. I am going to be clear about something with this game. Megaman X 2 has the best story campaign in the Super NES X series. Without saying words, the game opens up just showing how much stronger X has become. In Megaman X, you realize that you are helpless and week and you need the assistance of Zero to save you. However, in X 2, you start off just wrecking everything in  your path. The boss of the intro stage is a mecha that is like 10 times the size of Vile's Mecha that completely trashes X in the first game. You take out the Machine  with 4 charge shots.
                 After the intro stage the antagonists are shown watching X and stating that is is not to be F*^%ed with and they need to begin construction ASAP. This sets a tone for the player who pushed through the first game. You don't feel like you are starting from square one when you get through the intro stage. But the moment you step through a boss gate, feeling all awesome and confident, you get that ass handed to you. The Mavericks are tough and without upgrades or the weapon they are week against, you will find yourself deeply frustrated in this play through.
                But it is the story that shines when you play X2. The enemy lets you know that they have the body of your fallen comrade Zero. You then are placed into a side quest where you must fight  The X Hunters to claim Zero's parts. The X hunters post up at enemy hideouts, the entrance to some of their levels are hidden. The X hunters are even harder than the robot Masters. There are also other bosses Bit, Byte, and Vile, they attack you at random and are vicious bosses.  The simple story of a warrior trying to save his comrade just keep you playing through this game. But X2 is not perfect.


                     There are certain things that you expected the franchise to expand on when you played X2. When you Play through Megaman X, after defeating a boss, something happens to another bosses hideout and it is freakin COOL. This never happens in side scrollers before this game. You would beat Storm Eagle, and go to Spark Mandrill's stage and things are...different. Storm Eagle's Battleship has crashed into the power plant debris are strewn about the stage, and the lights are flickering. That is freaking GENIUS! When you defeat Chill Penguin, the the molten steel of the robot factory stage freezes over! When you put down the Octopus, the forest floods and you can use the water to find your heart tanks! That was something I was hoping X2 and 3 would do and for some reason, they didn't. Your actions from previous levels had no effects on the other levels you chose and I though that was a complete let down and a symptom of rushed development.
                   Secondly, the music!!!! Megaman is known for its iconic composition. Every Megaman game has really good and catchy music... You don't believe me check this out!
                                     (Megaman X, Spark Mandrill Stage Acapellla -This guy is
                                                               awesome for this!)

Megaman X had GREAT music. Megaman X2 had ..good music. This was a bit of a setback because I would play some levels and enjoy the music and I would play other levels and just want to turn my TV down, that should never happen when playing a Megaman game. The most disappointing song was the new Doctor Light song when you find an X Capsule. In Megaman X the music was quiet and suspenseful the music made me want to read everything Doctor light said. The X2 song was just not the same. But when you learn the Shoryuken....YES , Ken's Shoryuken from Street Fighter, when you find the (very difficult to reach capsule) Light says "Wow, You are so COOL! I am not Worthy, I am not Worthy " I chose to forgive the new song.

So with the great story line. Awesome Boss fights, and just, really fun game play Megaman X 2 is still

a great continuation of a great game. I still feel that this game was rushed. 

The game feels like it was moving towards allowing you to play as Zero once you assembled him

instead, the enemy takes him and you have to face him in the last act. There is an alternate ending and that 

helps with a bit of replay ability value. This game still is a ....

Delicious one

                 

Retro Gaming Quick Bite : Megaman X

 Hay Capcom! You are making an HD remake of Ducktales. Did you forget that other guy that you made 6 games for on the NES? That blue guy...The guy that you handed over to Sony who buried him after, what, 17 installments and a huge fan base? YEAH CAPCOM, where the hell is Megaman !?

Megaman X, SNES Installments 

A Retro Quick Bite 

                  So why was Megaman X such a memorable character in gaming history? Well the thing is, he is not. Most people know his prototype, Megaman, and his Mentor, Zero. Capcom has been pretty cruel to this Character. A quick history lesson is needed here. Capcom created Zero to be the eventual replacement for Megaman. The X series was meant to be the series that would bring the death of  Megaman and would branch off with a Zero series. In a sense, Capcom accomplished this by ending the X franchise and creating Megaman Zero. But the fans miss the true blue bomber and want to see him featured once again. Capcom recently scrapped a Megaman X FPS (first person shooter)  titled: Maverick Hunter, developed by the creators of the Metroid Prime Franchise. The game actually looked quite good and the news of its cancellation is kind of upsetting.

              We are going to take a bite into the Retro SNES titles, Megaman X 1-3. Developers chose to take a more theatrical role in the creation of these games and the story is pretty intense. Did you ever see Will Smith in I Robot? Well that was essentially the Megaman X story. Robots serve humans with a law to never hurt a human. However this law became obsolete when a Dr. Wiley created a virus that turned robots to take over the world. Megaman was created specifically to take out these mavericks. The war between Mavericks and maverick hunters would go on for many years past the deaths of Doctor's Light and Wiley.
But with the creation of Reploids, robots like Megaman that could make their own choices more and more reploids would turn Maverick of their own accord. One of these Reploids was the Sigma, an incredibly efficient warrior that decided that humans were obsolete. He would gather an army of powerful mavericks and wage war against humanity.
             One of Sigma's strongest allies was Dr. Wiley's last creation, Zero. It would be speculated that Zero is a highly upgraded, and unmasked version of Protoman (Megaman's official Prototype that was stolen). During the time that Zero turned Maverick Hunter, and ancient and powerful Reploid was discovered that closely resembled Megaman. This Reploid would come to be called Megaman X. He was no where near as strong as Zero, but he would be a highly effective Maverick Hunter.

Megaman X 

                Megaman X starts off shortly after the discovery of X and throws you in the middle of the Maverick Hunter War. In the early 90s, cinematic games were a rare feat but this game executed it so well. When you start the game, you see the analysis of a recently discovered X. Whoever is analyzing his body is noting how potentially powerful he can be. This is one of the core aspects of this game, growing stronger RPG style within a shooter. The game doesn't start off like a typical Megaman game. Instead of the Level Select screen, you are thrown right into a level. You witness a city under attack and you control X, fighting through the throngs of attackers. The game introduces new mechanics that will be essential to game play, the charge shot, and the wall jump. The first level serves as a way to teach you how to play the game and you are forced to naturally learn the wall jump and other moves you will need. The best way to explain how great this game was put together is to share a video...

This game is simply a masterpiece. Capcom outdid themselves with Megaman X and it stands out as one of the greatest games of all time. The story, the buildup , the execution, and the challenge all blend together to make an awesome game. As you play on, you don't only discover new enemy abilities, you are introduced to Zero , an  awesome supporting character. He only has two lines of dialogue with X and his presence in the game is still dynamic and engrossing. You also get to find the X Armor.

 You also can build your lifebar higher than a Robot Master's, and leard Ryu's Haduken from Street Fighter! The Haduken is so powerful, it can take any boss out with one blow, including Sigma ! When you played Megaman, you were an underdog, but X is meant to make you feel stronger as you progress while maintaining  a good challenge as well. That balance itself makes this game a piece of art and sooooooo 

Delicious 

Be ready for the Quickbite of Megaman X 2... Later today. 

Taken 2 Review

Reader...I have been Taken.I believe it was the doing of Oliver Megaton. I am currently in a warehouse in the land of  stereotypical evil Muslims  I need you to go into my office, locate my laptop case and take one pistol and 5 grenades. Get  to highest building you can find and throw a grenade. I will call you and we shall draw a map to determine my location....get to it !

"Granaaaaade! Derrrrrrrrrr"

Taken 2 

                   Woe there are times in life that it I cannot understand the psyche of the common human and these times are very annoying. There is no reason for this movie to exist. The Premise is retarded, the movie is retarded, and you just cannot take this seriously. If you just watch and pay attention to the first film you can clearly see that the movie was intended to be a one time kind of thing. Viewers have to look at Taken like a one night stand with a really hot individual. It was fun and entertaining two hours but when it's over you know that you won't be meeting again, there is no round two. So why Hollywood? Why did you go out to the dark dirty streets, clean up our old friend and try to sell them to us like the Pimp you are???Why Hollywood? Now we have to sit and realize that that fun time memory is not really how we remembered and the second time around is not really all that good at all. Thank you for shattering a good Memory Hollywood, you greedy bastards. The thing that really sucks is we the audience are sort of forced to buy into the gimmick because Taken was a great film. Let me just get this movie over with...

Cast and Crew 

                      This is where the conspiracy gets interesting before I tell you the director, I am going to tell you a little history lesson. Taken was directed by Pierre Morel, who directed Transporter and had his hands on work for Transporter 2. Taken two was directed by Oliver Megaton, the director of Transporter 3 and Columbiana. I think this Director hates action movies and purposely kills franchises. Transporter was a franchise killed by Megaton, and Columbiana and Red Siren were both Directed by this horrible man and intended to be franchise movies. Unfortunately the direction for those movies was so terrible the movies would die on their first installment. Megaton obviously makes his career by riding the coattails of other directors and killing their franchises by directing sequels...

                                                                           

Story 

               So why is Taken 2 a waist of your time and money? Well in order to fully understand my issue with this movie you have to take a look at Taken, and its Story. In Taken, you are introduced to Bryan Mills, a divorced ex operative who retires to re-kindle his relationship with his spoiled daughter. His estranged wife is  just a terrible individual that tries to thwart his attempts to contact his daughter. Unfortunately, his daughter uses his interest to get him to sign an agreement against his advice to go overseas. His daughter gets kidnapped by a sex traffic mob and Mills has to go to Europe to save her. 

               That movie had a very realistic tone and strong story. However in this story, Mills becomes a completely different character. Taken 2 starts off by introducing Mills as an Obsessive Compulsive instead of the simply careful man he was in the first movie. His wife is conveniently separated from the man she was seeing in the first movie even though this movies time frame is only months after the first movie. In the first movie, there was no sign of problems in that relationship so the separation is a really odd thing to happen. The story opens up with Mills attempting to teach his daughter how to drive. His daughter ends up becoming as annoying as his ex wife was in the first film. She is upset about Mills' obsessions to keep her safe and tries to avoid him and keep him from finding out about her relationships. This is literally months after his daughter was kidnapped and sold to SEX TRAFFIC MOBS! The absence of character development in Kim's character is literally jarring when she is introduced in this movie.  Kim only mentions the events for the sake of mentioning them. 

               While Mills is teaching his daughter how to drive, the evil father of an Albanian from the first movie wants to exact his revenge on Brian Mills. This is where the story starts to get retarded. The first movie introduced the Albanians as a uniform group. When Mills interrogated members, asking for Marco, they responded "we are Marco". These men were very clear about protecting and keeping out their leaders. The first movie also showed that these men were connected with very powerful individuals of all races. Does that happen in Taken 2? Of course not. The evil Albanians become the stereotypical Evil Muslims.

            All of the above is tolerable until Bryan Mills becomes a total contradiction. He asks his Ex wife and daughter to join him while he goes overseas to do a MISSION. Yes, the man that wouldn't let his daughter go to FRANCE in the first movie decides to take both his ex wife and child overseas with him on a mission only months after saving his daughter from a sex distribution chain. I think Bryan Mills took too many blows to the head in Taken. So you would think that the mission in a Muslim country must not be dangerous if he is taking his family right? WRONG, on this mission he takes a briefcase with him that is full of guns, ammo, and several grenades , yeah....

             Now, the man that is so cautious takes his family to this third world country and we have our movie because someone will be "Taken" again. Spoil alert time Spoil Alert time. This movie is not worth 2 hours of your life but I am further elaborating on the story so skip if you wish... So in this movie, the evil Muslims kidnap Mills and his wife. Mills ends...get this shit...calling his daughter and helps her find his location because he used his awesome spy powers to remember the exact route to the enemy hideout. He tells his 17 year old daughter to take grenades, and THROW THEM INTO RANDOM STREETS, so that he could determine his location! After she tosses grenades into a conveniently empty parking lot Mills is able to help her find his EXACT location on the map. This is a 17 year old, Laptop, ipad, and iPhone using girl uses a conventional paper map to plot locations in a country that she has NEVER BEEN TO. Do you think I am a retarded viewer Oliver Megaton? You think we are retarded....So Mills' daughter is "blending in" and lopping grenades without being noticed

"I'm gonna save you Daddy,, Grenade!!!!Derrrrrrp"

 "Yeaaaah, Bad Ass Spy  Guy's Daughter"

                 After using a map to determine his exact location does the 17 year old plot the information on her iPhone?  Nope, she is a bad ass spy daughter. She actually memorizes the location; starts throwing grenades and taking names.  

                   Meanwhile Mills' ex wife gets chained upside down and sliced because the bad guys want Mills to watch her die. The two are left alone while the bad guys literally watch soccer and eat Gyros (seriously they watch soccer and eat Gyro, no sarcasm) while a white girl is walking around the city throwing grenades. I guess the town is just so fucked up that common folk toss grenades whenever they are pissed off.

 "How Dare you insult my soccer team!"

Badass Evil Muslims (guitar plays solo) 

                

                   If you make it this far into the movie. Mills will then easily free himself because the evil Muslims thought it would be a good idea to Chain his helpless ex wife up...and tie up a dangerous government operative with a plastic zip tie. Chains on the woman...zip tie on the man that murdered 150 people six months ago..brilliant.  So Mills is saved by his daughter and he kills everyone and leaves his nearly dead ex wife on the dirty floor as if the stereotypical evil Muslims wont find her in the room that they left her in the first place...brilliant. Mills than gets in the car with his daughter and she drives through this epic chase scene...What is wrong with this picture? 17 year old Kim failed 3 driving tests and was still being trained at the beginning of the movie. Now, she is literally drifting, and doing donuts in a country where the rules of the road are completely different, while being shot at!!!

                  At the end of the scene, Mills goes back to the hideout, and his wife is done...Ya don't say. He uses his spy power to track her down, kill the baddies, and beat the boss of the game. The boss hints that there will be a sequel and I swear if that movie happens there will be no mercy on you Oliver Megaton. You are one of the worse Directors in the industry and I hope Liam Neeson has the integrity to stay away from a sequel to this piece of shit if you are the director. This story was horrible and unbelievable. The reason I am being so harsh to it is because of the first movie. Taken had a realistic tone with a realistic hero and realistic villains. One of the things that made the movie great was that there was essentially no villain. His daughter was literally at the wrong place at the wrong time and that is one of the things that is riveting about that story. We didn't tune in because we wanted to see explosions and cracking bones, we tuned in because of the suspense and the possibility that kidnap of this degree can happen to our loved ones. This story is SHIT!

Presentation 

                   If you haven't watched this movie and heeded my warning you would know that the story is terrible to this movie. What was worse? The Action. How does a purely mindless action movie end up with worse action than the Suspense Thriller that came before it? When Oliver Megaton Directs it, that's when. The action sequences literally look like the director was waving his camera back and forth while wiggling it around while Liam Neeson just danced tango with his aggressor. I am not kidding. Every explosion was done in bad CGI. Everything about the presentation just screamed Straight to DVD film. I hate this movie. It took a great stand alone classic and turned it into a shitty franchise and I cannot forgive this as a film viewer. This movie was even more sexist than the first film. Mill's daughter's body gets put on display for no reason with pool scenes and walking around in bikini scenes. 

                The first movie had this scene where she was going to be sold off.  she came out in a bikini while people started bidding on her. She is looking around scared of the fate that could be coming. This scene makes the viewer see not her body, but the person she is. The viewer is ashamed of seeing her body because antagonists are seeing her with the intent to deflower her. It was a sensitive scene. Now the sequel throws that history aside and beckons the male audience to look at Kim the way you look at all action movie girls. She is no longer a supporting cast member but an object.  Let me rate this movie I am tired of Ranting 

The Rating 

Why elaborate, This movie doesn't deserve another paragraph. Taken 2 Tasted like

a big fat...

SHIT SANDWICH !!!!1

Taken Review

           Oliver Megaton, many have watched Taken 2... Now over the years I have aquired a certain set of skills. Skill that make me the enemy to all bad directors...If you try to Direct a Taken 3...I will find you, and I will Kill you...With my superior writing skills

Taken 

                I had to utilize that quote issued to Megaton on this review because it was one of the best quotes in modern film and should not at all be associated with Taken 2. We will get to that review soon enough. So here we have the great Liam Neeson, in his 2008 thriller taken. I think everyone that took a look at the trailer for this movie five years ago and KNEW they were going to the theater to see it. So let us go back a few years to take a taste of the action thriller classic, Taken.

Cast and Crew 

                  Taken was Directed my Pierre Morel, the Director of Transporter and District B 13. They were petty decent movies on the action and direction side so this is not a terrible association. Yet, Taken is by far Morel's best work in his career. The movie stars Liam Neeson who plays Bryan Miller, a "Security" man with a certain set of skills. Famke Janssen plays the most hated ex-wife in modern film. Also Maggie Grace plays Neeson's dumb daughter. The cast is pretty strong in their performances but Neeson is the creme' de la creme' in this film. The antagonists are very mysterious and uniform so there is no real villain in this film. That, is one of the things that make the movie better. 

Story 

                     Although Taken is a thriller, the story is actually pretty cut and dry. Bryan Mills is a Security man through the course of the first act, the directer hits you with about 300 pounds of foreshadowing about how skilled this guy is. He is divorced and his wife hates his guts. She becomes the villain for about 40 minutes of the movie. Bryan's Daughter is quite spoiled and decides that she is ready to explore the world, literally. Miller doesn't want her out of his sight but because he wants to have a good relationship with his evil ex wife and bratty girl he allows the trip. Ironically, the Armenian mob find and kidnap his daughter less than 20 minutes after she gets to France...bummer... and Miller needs to get her back. The story seems a little silly and with the wrong cast and direction this movie would easily be a piece of crap. But Pierre Morel does wonders with the material and makes this story work and makes Neeson's actions believable. Therefore you are engaged in the story and you have a great time watching this movie .

               

Presentation 

                  Taken has some really solid acting and cinematography. The movie uses a shaky cam technique and it is not perfectly executed but when it works it works. Bryan Mills will make you cringe when he smashes heads and cracks bones. Scenes with suspense elicit real suspense, and the movie actually had me make one or two false guesses. There is even a scene that makes the audience debate the purity of Miller's character. 

                 I do have one issue with the presentation. This movie is incredibly sexist. Spoiler time Spoiler time: if you don't want stuff spoiled next paragraph time...Okay current readers should have already watched this movie. The blame for this abduction and the death of Kim's friend is completely placed on the women in this movie. Miller's wife is so sadistically bitchy that you don't feel bad for her at all when she hears the news that her daughter is kidnapped. The Daughter Kim is terrible too. She shows no appreciation to her father and even manipulates her father without heeding his warnings. Even when she finds out that his job is on the secret agent level, she still tries to duck and dodge his guidance. The three female characters are so dumb and stereotypical that the events we see happen to them that should be traumatic instead make the audience think "HA! you got what was coming to you." But we shouldn't feel that Kim was taken to be raped and that should be something that weighs heavily on the watcher. Kim is the movies Bella, virginal while still wanting to explore the world which makes her dumb. Amanda was Kim's slutty dumb friend that wants to sleep with random guys and jump around listening to Justin Bieber....she dies, and you don't care. Lenore is the overly strong ex wife that left Miller for a rich man that takes care of her. Her over bearing strong attitude is bound to melt when she hears the news about her daughter. The set up is meant to put her in her place. I'm a media scholar I know bullshit when I see it and I call bullshit. This is a well directed conversation about how women just need to stay home and be women...that shit is not cool Spoiler conversation over 

The Rating 

                        Well, if you saw this movie you know my only problem with it. It is a big problem. A great many movies in American film are propaganda geared toward slowing don't women's progress and unfortunately women are cast into these roles because it is the only work Hollywood gives them. I feel particularly bad for Famke Janssen  because she is a Director and had to be this stereotypical evil ex wife with no human layers, then she plays a Witch in Hansel and Gretel, Witch Hunters...horrible movie. 

                         While I do have my issues I have to admit I enjoyed this movie. It has a line by Bryan Miller that is more than likely the definitive line in Liam Neeson's Career. There are awesome fight scenes and witty dialogue. The movie is executed with style and the overall story is dramatic enough to keep you on your seat. After viewing this, I came up with a new Rating that is a step above Satisfying and a step below delicious, witch is the perfect place for a movie like this. Taken was definitely...

Great Tasting 

Damn...I want some wings now 

Olympus Has Fallen Review

             The only missing scene in this movie is a terrorist getting harpooned through the eye by an American Flag wielding Gerard Butler ....Oh don't we love patriotism

Olympus Has Fallen

                   I have to get this one complaint out of my system. This poster and the trailer make you think Morgan Freeman is our president...you know... because America does have a black President. But he is not the President, he is not even the Vice President, he is the Speaker of House. That is some miss leading BS.

Now...Ahhem...on to the review

Olympus Has Fallen 

Cast and Crew 

                The most noticeable thing about this movie is the cast and crew involved. There is some serious talent involved in this film. Olympus Has Fallen is directed by Antoine Fuqua, the director of Training Day, Tears Under the Sun, and Shooter, all of witch are quite palatable movies. Our leading cast includes Gerard Butler who plays Mike Banning ( I want to call him John McClane because this should have been Die Hard 5). We also have Morgan Freeman, the temporary President who you will inevitably thing should have been the damn President  in the first place...Because Aaron Eckhart aka President Benjamin Asher is by far the most spineless Commander and Chief in film. I mean ... he is the perfect President to be in power if we were in total peace and every county would settle disputes over some tea, biscuits , and a friendly game of checkers and instead of Nukes and guns we have laxer tag and water balloons. Yeaaaahhh wont happen any time in the recent future.  The Supporting cast is fine too. Everyone seemed to know what they were doing and Rick Yune who played  Kang, the villain, was a pretty strong casting choice as well. 

Story 

                The story centers around John McClane, a tough witty no nonsense cop that is walks into a terrorist plot...oh wait... I mean the story revolves around Mike Banning, a tough, witty, no nonsense... ex special service agent  who walks into a terrorist plot. Ok, no more Die Hard Jokes.  Banning witnesses a full scale assault on Washington. The North Koreans walk right in through the front door and take the president. Mike then has to go into the White House and take back Olympus. From here on I implore you to suspend your disbelief ...A team with the power and skill  to take out every breathing operative in the White House is about to face one man.and fail horribly. 

Presentation 

               As I said earlier, you have to suspend your disbelief and you pretty much should have fun with it. The action sequences are top notch and that has everything to do with the direction of this film. Almost every fight scene is understandable. Banning is being purely stealthy and is not just walking around with an oozi annihilating the foes like most terrible action movies would do. The problem in the presentation is the screenplay. The script is pretty solid. Banning and Kang have witty dialogue between one another and the movie feels like an homage to the late and great 90s films of the past. However, there are details of the story that just are not explained well at all. The actions of the President are so offensive to me as an American. I know that there was a desire be a patriot and show this awesome American purity stereotype President. But of all the film Presidents President Asher takes the cake. First big issue I have is the details of Banning's first mission. They tell Banning that a certain threat would break the president. However that threat and the threats that follow actually DO break the president under pressure. 

                   Throughout the movie, even when a person shows great resilience, Asher makes choices that lead to something with serious outcomes. The President from GI Joe Retaliation is more resilient than Asher. My final complaint is about the third act. After all of the intense build up, the last act of this movie is really bad. I did not like the ending at all. 

The Rating 

                 While I will say that the meal dffinitley needed a bit more seasoning before it could be a film classic. But this movie did succeed in entertaining me. I did not feel as throug my money was wasted after this trip to the movies but I can say that Olympus Has Fallen is...

Satisfying