Retro Gaming Quick Bite #1 : Sonic the Hedgehog

             Did you know that Sonic's 1-3 that were released in 1991-4  on have better physics than Sonic 4 released in 2013?...Sonic team... please quit smoking PCP

 

 

Quick Bite:

Sonic The Hedgehog 1-3

 

 

 

 

 

Since this is my first Quick Bite let me introduce you to the Concept. Quick bites will be fast paced reviews of multiple titles, usually games with little content or the first few Episodes of a tv show...now let us start the reviews of these 1990s cult classic games.

 

 

Sonic the Hedgehog



                Through the 80s and early 90s the Fat Plumber and Megaman were among household names for us retro gamers. However, when Nintendo developed the high priced Super Nintendo a smaller company called Sega came out of the woodwork. Their mascot was a blue blur by the name of Sonic the Hedgehog, and they offered to bundle their console with the release of Sonic for a lower price than the Super Nintendo. This resulted in Nintendo losing many costumers and many gamers playing this Gem. Sonic was an incredibly original concept in the side scroller genre.

                 Quick Story, Dr. Robotnik, now known as Egg man, is a crazy doctor that feels the need to kidnap animals of the forest and turn them into robot weapons of destruction. Sonic, refuses to let that happen and has to go around the word and stop Egg man.

                Today, this game still has great controls and as I play it I can see how Sonic Team worked so hard at encoding the physics. If you run at full speed you go around a loop and it feels cool, if you are running too slow, you don't make it and Sonic falls. That seems simple and common sense but this was made in 1991, be surprised. The game is linear but there are different routes to get to your goal. The Music is great, if you watch the video, you can hear the fun catchy tunes of the game. The play through is challenging and very satisfying . Sonic the Hedgehog is...

Delicious

 

 

 

 

Sonic the Hedgehog 2

 

 

 

                What happens when you take a great game, with a great hero, and give him a great side kick....You get Sonic 2. The story doesn't really change, Egg Man is back and Sonic has a follower. This title released in 1992. The graphics were ramped up and the developers gave Sonic a new move, the charge strike. The addition of the move allowed players to move a lot faster through the levels and also were very useful for some boss fights.

 

                 My real problem with this game was Tails. Tails looks great and the game has a very cool ability that allows you to plug in the second controller and take control of tails. When I was young, I always had my two Sega controls in so I could use Tails to fly Sonic to secret areas. But I saw a problem in this mechanic because it was very difficult if not impossible for two people to play together on the same screen because of Sonic's ridiculous speed.  The game makes up for its flaws with the ability to gather all the Chaos Emeralds and become Super Sonic... who is Super Sonic....

 

 

 

 

"This is Super Sonic"

 

 



 

 

                 The Level design is also great, the music is awesome as ever with the exception of one or two levels. I have a great time with this game and in some ways I like it more than part 1. However Tails is not only useless...he KILLS YOU ...Yes, any avid Sonic Gamer will tell you they may dropped their first F bomb in life when screaming "FUCK YOU TAILS!" and that really hurt my experience and I have to rate Sonic ....

 

Satisfying 

 

                                                          

 

 

Sonic the Hedgehog 3 and Knuckles

 

 



 

 

                      Sonic 3 and Knuckles is officially the complete Sonic 3 story and the best way to play through the game . There is a ton of content, and an alternate ending if you play through this game the right way with Sonic and Tales...So before I get into the game, I have to implore you that if you play Sonic 3, Play Sonic 3 and Knuckles together.

 

 

                     The story takes a more Cinematic turn of events. You see Sonic and Tails flying across the water. Sonic jumps off a plane and turns into Super Sonic and begins to glide across the water, Jet streams of water explode behind him as he glides to the land, Suddenly a Red Fellow by the name of Knuckles, the Echidna bursts out of the ground and knocks the Super out of Sonic..

 

 

 

 

 

               This opening scene is huge because Knuckles is like Sonic and when Sonic is in Super form he is supposed to be invincible. So the game introduces you to an enemy that can defeat an invincible Sonic. The game looks like your regular old Sonic game but as you beat the first level, you fight a sub boss for the first time in the series. After this, the forest is set on fire by a huge machine. As a child and even now, this scene with no  dialogue resonates with me, it was emotional. As you progress, Knuckles thwarts Sonic's attempts to progress and laughs in his face. At the end of the many challenging levels you officially fight Knuckles and the game makes it clear that he is villain and will kill Sonic if he could. The final fight is among one of the most exhilarating moments in retro gaming. I is challenging, it is cinematic, and after you defeat Egg Man, you feel like you really completed something. The mini games that give you the Chaos Emeralds are easier than Sonic 2...Unfortunately, TAILS IS EVEN DUMBER IN THESE GAMES.. That is my only issue with an other wise beautiful addition to gaming history. Sonic Team, come back, make something great because Sonic 3 and Knuckles was sooooo...

 

 

Delicious

 

 

 

 

That was your Retro Quick Bite, comment follow, request do what you will

I am the Taste Bud Reviewer, taking a bite out of

your entertainment







 

 

 



The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo Review

I will be honest with you guys at the beginning of this movie I thought this girl was not attractive at all...Two hours later, she was hotter than Angelina Jolie ...this movie is visual Beer Goggles!

The Girl With the

Dragon Tattoo

 

 

 

               I will be the first to admit that movies based on novels are a tired recent cast. They have been a marketing ploy to sell terrible movies to a hopeful fan base (I'm talking to you, Twilight saga).I will also be the first to admit that movies based on novels also have the potential to be the best movies of all time. Why? Because Novels contain three to five hundred pages of great content. That wealth of information and popularity can be both a problem and a potential goldmine. It is very rare to see an almost perfect translation from the page to the silver screen and I am here to take a bite out of a very popular film. Is The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo a great translation, or is it overrated?

 

 

Cast and Crew

 

               The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo stars Daniel Craig and Rooney Mara as Mikael Blomkvist and Lisbeth Sandler. The film is directed by David Fincher, the director of Se7ven (great film) , Fight Club, The Social Network, and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. That is a pretty damn fine resume' (claps for David Fincher). Well, let's start talking about the movie.

 

 

The Story

 

 

 

 

                 Mikael Blomkvist is introduced as a Journalist that is in the middle of a nasty public issue.  He is hired by a mysterious wealthy man to investigate events that are taking place in the family. Regardless  of Mikael's bad reputation, the man trusts him because of the help of a strange girl that is considered, remarkable. In the first ten minutes of the film you know that something big is going to be revealed and you are looking into a pretty heavy mystery involving this girl and this Journalist that are bound to meet. I will not give you any more of the story because it is worth observing on your own. Which is why I gave you the video above. What I can say is that the story is a very fine and detailed translation of the book. There are details left out which I believe were intentional for the next movie but this is by far one of the best paper to film translations if not the best translation since The Lord of the Rings trilogy.

 

The Performances

 

                 Daniel Craig is just a good mystery movie actor. In one of his less popular movies, Dream House, Craig was in a position where he had to investigate strange happenings and I have to admit the mystery movie role suits him and I would hope to see him in a other mystery movies in the future. My only gripe with Craig's performance was his blank face, he shows no real emotion when placed in situations that would normally elicit stronger emotion. his Michael reacted to these stressful situations like ...like James Bond would, unfortunately Michael is no bond and Craig needed to be more Michael in this movie. The only reason I say this is a gripe is because Craig still did a stellar job. His performance just stood out because there were others that just blew me away watching this film. Rooney absolutely steals the show in her role as Lisbeth  Sandler. This woman was the embodiment of a woman with a past as troubling as the woman in these books.

 

 

Does it do the Trick?

 

                 The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo is a mystery movie and yes it does the trick. It is very capable of keeping the viewer guessing about some aspects of this mystery. I do feel the Director assumed that the audience already read the book because one thing was really obvious. I won't talk about it because I don't want to ruin the story but there is something about the stuck out so much and I was really hoping I would be surprised at the end and unfortunately I wasn't. However, while something like that would hurt many movies, it did not hurt this one. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo was an excellent film all together. I am just going to jump right into the rating.

 

 

The Rating

 

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo is a movie with

multiple Ratings, this movie was

 

 

Delicious

 

This movie had a perfect balance of emotion, suspense, and even action

The Set up made you invested in the characters and their cause

it was also a :

 

 

Delicacy

 

There are some very intense and heavy scenes that

could cause some people to walk away

the movie needs and audience with a mind that is

ready with some serious mental and visual discipline, but I implore you to

give this a watch even if you cannot take scenes that are hard to watch because

This movie is also :

 

 

Nutritious

 

 

While some visuals are intense, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo is a film that

is good for you to watch. This movie takes a stab at showing a woman

play a role that is often hyper sexualized or desexualized because of her character model

and her morals. This was an out of the box representation that there is a need for

much much more in American Film. There are some clichés that the direction and writing

plays into but for the most part female leads and female representation in this level is has not been

on par with this performance in nearly 20 years.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





 

 





 

 



 

 

 



 



Wreck it Ralph Review

              Okay so my friend told me that a Mortal Kombat Character was spoofed in this movie....Blew my friggin mind. 

Wreck it Ralph 

                      I did not go to the movies to see this last year. (side note: 2012 was a damn good year for movies so a lot of 2012 movies will be reviewed over the following weeks) I have to say that I regret not going to see Wreck it Ralph. With luck and a little bit of skill, Disney may have a franchise in their hands. In the fashion of most Disney CGI films, Wreck it Ralph is another Toy Story'esque film. What did I think of the movie...it wasn't bad at all, in fact this was a very well written movie. Let's get into the Review.

Cast and Crew

                    This movie really surprised me when I checked out the Director of the film.... Wreck it Ralph is directed by Rich Moore, The director of Futurama, about 17 Simpsons Episodes, and Drawn Together; all pretty damn funny TV shows I might ad. Drawn Together is a classic TV cartoon easter egg compilation so Moore's ability to Spoof Classics was in his blood since the 1990's. Now the main stars of this flick are  John C. Reilly   and Sarah Silverman are our main protagonists playing Ralph and Vanellope. The supporting cast include Jack McBrayer and Jane Lynch, who play Fix it Felix, and Lt. Calhoun. John C. Reilly also contributes to the writing along with a whole team that I would take forever writing about...so this is a big movie, with a big Director, with a big cast, and even a TEAM of writers, and all of the above pays off!

The Story 

                   The story takes place in a video game Arcade. The Video game Classic, Wreck it Ralph (Basically a Disney rendition of Donkey Kong) has been operational for over 30 years. Every night, the video game arcade characters are able to interact with one anther in this electrical world when the players are gone. Ralph, is the bad guy in his game he lives in a garbage dump and it's his job to destroy the Apartment building that is in his way. Because Ralph is a WRECKER and he has BIG FISTS!

                   The Hero, Fix it Felix uses a magic hammer to thwart Ralph if the gamer is good enough to make it to the top.  After 30 years of being the bad guy, Ralph feels a need for a 'game changer' (pun intended) and decides to game hop. This is an obvious problem to the character population that game hopping is bad. This begin's our adventure. 

                   I have to say the adventure is a really fun ride. If you are a gamer, you will see a TON of game references that just makes you more ...into the story. This is not a gimmick that throws popular video games at you just to make some money, this movie has its own story, own games, and own unique characters. It just takes advantage of the gaming world to show off some really cool and fun cameos. 

                   The best thing about this story is the fact that it really has heart. Whenever you watch a kids movie it follows that sad and tired formula. This formula actually is in most movies these days. The adventure begins, we meet the sidekick, characters get close, there is a lie to reveal, the characters hate each other for 20 minutes, and the story moves on....I hate when that happens, I call it the (breakup scene). Wreck it Ralph took a different approach, it gave the  protagonists a real and believable, and relate-able problem to get over with and when they do, it feels good! Do this more Movie writers!!!! 

The Performances 

                      Since this is a CGI Movie I have to rate the performances on the voice acting and the CG presentation. on both ends, the performance is stellar. The movie is very visual and very well presented. Ralph is Lovable, Vanellape is sweet and fun (critics that were annoyed by her...seriously? She doesn't hold a candle to Donkey... I HATE DONKEY She is really not that annoying and it makes Ralph taking a liking to her more believable. She does one thing that kind of will piss you off ...because the movie makes you care about Ralph's struggle. So with that event noted, I understand why some critics were rough on her. Felix is awesome. The movie does not at all get cliche and make Fix it Felix the Antagonist...With Felix being a clone of Mario that's a big statement because Mario is a penis! 

                           Seriously, the guy slaughters countless animals in a happy world over one girl  that is obviously having a love affair with her caper ....but that's another post. Felix is a Good guy and his character is so likable. Jane Lynch  is perfect for her her character. So the performances are stellar 

Will I LOL???

                           This is the only area I have to be a bit more objective about. The Jokes ARE hilarious, but they are funnier if you have played games in general or games similar to the ones that are being spoofed. There are some funny jokes that relate to games. I am not saying that someone that is not a gamer won't get the jokes, not at all, they found that perfect sweet spot to balance their jokes. Yet , honestly, the jokes will hit gamers right in the heart ...right here bro...right here...

The Rating 

                           I have nothing more to say about Wreck it Ralph, this was a great movie and a definite recommend not only as a family movie. You can keep your man (or woman) pants on and watch this movie without the kiddies if you want. I wanted to give the movie a Delicacy since it will resonate with gamers more, but honestly, the movie doesn't alienate non-gamers and it is still an entertaining ride ....

I don't need To use pictures of other food because The game Sugar Rush, featured in this movie matches Wreck it Ralph's Rating it looks Friggin ....

Delicious!

Reese Cup car...

Delicious!

The Tatebud Reviewer Rating System

 

As you all may know, I am a media scholar and a film critic. And as a critic and a person dedicated to committed to sharing with the people I want a rating system that resonates with everyone. There are many critics that use the Number system from the 0-10. Or other critics use the school grading system and I want to tell you why those rating system's suck.

The Number system? This sucks because for most critics, a movie will NEVER be shitty enough to make 0 or GRAND enough to make 10, so with two factors and 10% of your possible rating system being useless,  this scale is useless

The Grading system? Some critics don't know that A-F grades are actually quite different across the United States. Many schools don't even use this letter grading scale in order to take pressure off of the kids. This means that some people wont be able to relate to your scores! and I cannot have such a thing on my watch....

Thus, We Use TASTE!!!!!

There is something we all can relate to, all over the world and that is the sense of  TASTE. We may have different preferences and different things we like or dislike but that is one of the things that make taste so relatable to film. You may have a friend like enjoys the taste of raw fish and senseless action movies with no plot, but that is his Taste.  I plan to use my trained palate to tell you what I think about your content as I delve further into taking a bite out of your Entertainment

1) Delicious

...yes.... I find Steak and Waffles to be Delicious....so what.  Delicious is the highest Rating a movie will get from the Tastebud Reviewer. When a piece of Media is Delicious, It hits you in all the right places, Great Direction, Great production, Great Cast and Crew ...Great Everything. This kind of movie is a movie that should go in your movie collection, it should be purchased on Blu Ray, and if it is missed in the Theaters, you feel regret that you haven't spent the 18 bucks to give it a quality viewing. That my friends, is Delicious  a meal that you are prepared to enjoy again and again.

2) Great Tasting 

                 

                       I actually created this rating upon watching Taken. While some foods are not Delicious they are just better than satisfying. This rating applies to that kind of film. I'ts not perfect, but it better than good. Your money and time are well spent and you are willing to see the movie again, maybe even twice. It's not perfect by all means but the film is very good. That my friends is a great tasting dish. 

3) Satisfying

Pizza is the perfect example for this. When I think of a film that is Satisfying, I am thinking about something that I naturally don't regret seeing. It  is a fun watch, it has a good story and I am generally pleased with the experience. The film of course is not perfect, but it is just right.

4) Needs More Seasoning / Bland

This is actually two Ratings but they both fall under the same category of not having enough content .If I say a movie Needs more seasoning I mean it. Let me explain. have you ever went to a movie and just know that it is a movie that could be awesome, but its not. It may have a lot of the right ingredients but falls flat on its face by using cliché's following sad formulas that we have seen over and over again . That is why the illustration above is Rice and Bread. I like Rice and I like bread. But Rice is Awesome when stir-fried with other stuff, and bread is Awesome when you add meat and lettuce or at least friggin Jelly. Media like this is tired and deserves only a matinee or rental at the most only because the content is enough to demand more Seasoning.

If the Title is Bland (and doesn't say Needs more Seasoning) Steer clear from it because you are in for some good old fashion boredom with a hint of interesting dialogue or one or two good actors.

5) Foul



           The food above looks like either Prison food or School Cafeteria food right? Because it is! A Foul movie is just a batch of terribleness that belongs in jail locked away and only to be consumed as a form of horrible punishment. Stay for away from a movie with a foul rating. Unless you are a movie goer that has a thing for abuse and masochism. 

6) The Infamous...Shit Sandwich

Is there any need for explanation? No? Well I'll explain anyway. Have you ever gone to one of those restaurants that make you feel all wholesome inside and you make that 25 dollar purchase for a good meal and you get back...shit... You look at your bill afterwards and that Heat just creeps up your neck because you spent a considerable amount of money for sub-par food, sub-par drink and sub par service...guess what that is not even remotely bad as being served steaming hot shit sandwich. A movie that just racks your nerves in every single scene and collects a lovely 65 million on opening weekend....yeah I'm talking to you "Resident Evil" 2-5, I'm talking to YOU "Hansel and Gretel, Which Hunters" and don't dare make me mention that pile of feces "Last of the bad acting Kid's acting career Air Bender".......(Exhale) This is the lowest score media can get...let us move on 



The Sub Rankings

Note: sub-rankings can stand alone or have a

original rank attached to it as well

1) Nutritious

Nutritious content is meant to be good for you. Maybe informative or Intellectual. This content is something that is often used for educational purposes. If I rank it Delicious and Nutritious,  Think of it as a good Smoothy, a film or game that you can gain something from but are bound to enjoy like the 'Nike Plus+ Pro Trainer' on Xbox Kinect. If I rank it a Nutritious Shit Sandwich,  Think of raw beats or 'Captain Planet'...I hated that anti-pollution propaganda, racist crapfest ! 

2)Delicacy

The Delicacy is the media that is not meant for everyone. Some people love a lobster, some don't . When I say something is a Delicious Delicacy, Immediately think of Dragon Ball Z! or just Really good Anime. Think of good Comics too. These pieces of media aren't meant for everybody. Oscar Nominee movies fall under this category too. But if I say its a damn Delicatessen Shit Sandwich.... Think of ....a bad anime. A Show or movie that is supposed to appeal to fans, but ends up confusing them and turning newcomers to the franchise away. Or think of a movie that tries hard to be Oscar Gold or a Romantic comedy (cough....New Years Eve) but ends up being a bag of Feces in a Godiva Box....

Fattening

Yeah...have you ever found yourself watching that movie. THAT movie that claims the consciousness of many Americans world wide , that my good friends, is the Fattening movie. This is a Rank that was created by me after sitting through 2 and a half hours of "The Man with the Iron Fists" oooh LONG! Fattening movies are the movies that find it cute to pack too damn much content on you, leaving you tired and confused. There are a ton of Delicious Fattening things...shit if there weren't there wouldn't be so many fattened people flopping around. delicious Fattening movies are like "The Dark Knight" , "Lord of the Rings, The Extended edition" , "Django Unchained", "Inglorious Bastards" these movies will keep you up , while a Fattening Shit Sandwich  will quickly put you to sleep in the theater. I cannot think of any this terrible and long enough to hit this list but I know they are out there and will grace my blog someday

'So Now you know my Rating Scale and my Sub-ratings

I would hope that the information above is not only

an interesting read but also can be a tool

for newcomers to my blog

If you want me to review anything from Netflix movies to classic films

to even games, be sure to like, connect, subscribe, share

and ask me to take a bite out of your entertainment

Remember this...ONLY a true friend would take a bite out of a shit sandwich

just to prevent you from eating it. I am that friend.



 



















Identity Thief Review

So I lose all my money, and almost lose everything because some Fat lady stole my Identity...yeaah if I were him, this would be one of those Action, Revenge, movies...

Identity Thief

Ok I am going to get straight to the point, you ever saw that movie (Planes, Trains, and Automobiles) yeah you know the move where (Dinner for Schmucks)  Two people normally the guy with a good old American life gets stuck with a loser and now they have to bond to reach some type of connecting goal to both become better people in the end.
Cast and Crew

    You get the Picture.. It’s a movie that we all have seen before in some way, shape or form. Normal Joe Schmoe meets polar opposite, and both conflicting lifestyles have to work together. Identity Thief stars Jason Batemon and Melissa McCarthy  and is directed by Seth Gordon ; The director of “Horrible Bosses”; “Freakonomicks”; and the gamer documentary "The King of Kong". You could tell from the kinds of humor projected in Gordon's documentaries that he was bound to be a comedy director. Gordon uses a very smartassy, sarcastic kind of comedy in his movies and he is not bad at telling a story.

The Story 

    So the movie is about a man with a Unisex name that has his identity stolen by a fat female identity thief. He is nearly arrested and almost loses his job. He pleads the police and his boss to allow him to go out, find this thief and bring her his job,  set her up to be arrested, clear his name and his destroyed credit situation. That is our story and I have to say, this is what happens when you take a dumb, unrealistic story, and place it in the hands of a better storyteller. While the idea is silly, the movie at least executes everything in a way that keeps you somewhat interested, but of course the execution is not perfect.

The Perfomances


    So we know about the story, how is the acting? Well, there isn’t a problem with their performances at all. The issue I have is with the writing . When Batemon and McCarthy  meet, it doesn’t look like a...a meeting. For the first thirty seconds you see two people meeting for the first time, but after introductions are made, the two characters start talking to each other as if they knew each other for some time. In fact, I would say the movie would be a thousand times more believable if the movie were about a man who had his identity stolen by an old highschool friend, or even better, high school fling. You will know what  I am talking about when you see the movie for yourself. Batemon and McCarthy have pretty damn fun chemistry and that is one of the things that make the movie likeable. The problem is that this chemistry kind of hurts the film. You can’t watch these two interact together and believe that they have never met or been in the same room together until the moment they meet on film.
   
The Taste

These issues are nitpicks though. Yet I feel that it is important to bring this issue up because Identity Thief is a movie that is trying to take itself seriously. There is a more serious story arch going on in between all of the jokes that wants to tug at the heart strings, and when you get to the last act, it works. So that is why I said that the direction should have been a bit less sloppy and the dialogue should have been a bit more realistic and this movie may have been a “Bum Buddy” classic like “Me Myself and Irene” or “Ted” (Bum Buddy comedies are movies where the audience and protagonist,  have to like a Bum, who is a Buddy or becomes a Buddy)

   

             It is time to answer the most important question or all. The story could be crap, the performances could be stellar, but was the movie FUNNY? Well, it had funny parts. I have to say, the marketing for this movie was gold. I thought I was in for my funniest day in the theater since, what, Ted? 21 Jump Street? (<<comedy gold)  But, no, this movie was alright . It has some jokes that hit, and some jokes that are a complete miss. And there are some convoluted events that make me believe that this movie wanted to be a PG13 slap stick kid flick,  but threw in some F bombs and a strange Sexual Scene that Way on the left field to secure an audience with big boy pants. I have to say, if they stuck with PG 13 the movie would have been much better, the vulgar scenes really look and feel forced and are awkward to say the least. But the slapstick PG13 scenes are the ones that got me laughing and match the tone of the movie when you get to the end. Its those moments that make you love McCarthy by the end of the movie.

The Rating

Time for the rating. I want to say one thing Melissa McCarthy steals this movie. She is an awesome actor and I genuinely liked her much more than Batemon, he was actually kind of a Penis in this movie. Which is weird but it melds with the message that the movie is trying to give you in the end . I feel that they should have made him a little more likeable because I relatively did not care what happened to him by the final act  Other than that, Identity Thief is a fun ride that is better taken from the couch at home. Identity Thief you  are :

    Satisfying: Filling, but had better

The Man With the Iron Fists Review

             This movie made me come up with a whole new rating , which I will bestow upon you guys when I am through with this review. Thank you RZA, You created a rating for this Blog...

The Man With the Iron Fists 

                What can I say about 'The Man With the Iron Fists' ...I can say that a lot of critics were waaaay too nice to the film. I won't mention names but there were legitimate critics throwing this in the category of mindless action movies...oh were they wrong. This movie is mindless alright, and you do have to suspend your belief when you watch it but where movies like the Die Hards('Die Hards' 1-4, I might add. Die Hard 5, wait in line I got something to say to your shitty ass.), where these movies got it right, I am sorry RZA, you got it wrong. Now before the cult followers of this movie get out their trolling keyboards I will say, yes, there are good elements to this movie, yes there are good ideas and good back stories involved in what you see. The major problem with "TMWTIF" is that the movie is basically all over the damn place. There is no reason in hell that an Anime Fan, Karate Fan, Action Movie Fan, and a movie goer that really wants to see more Minority Heroes on film should get all of the above in a package and...(inhale, exhales) LOOK AT MY WATCH CONTINUOUSLY! Did you hear everything I listed? This movie has all the right ingredients to be something REALLY cool and falls flat on its face in a bad way.

The Cast and Crew 

 Before I go on, let us get into the review.'The Man With The Iron Fist' is written and Directed by the Robert Fitzgerald Diggs, better known by his Rap name, 'The RZA'. (Yes The Rizza, not R.Z.A, or Rzzzaaah). The movie's cast includes Lucy Lu, and Russell Crowe.  This is the RZA's first time writing a screenplay, and also the very first time directing. I'm not saying that as an excuse for the problems in this movie but I can say that he is not a Horrible Director, there are others who easily make worse movies than this far into their career. But the RZA is in line to direct 2 movies that should release in 2015, Genghis Khan, and No Man's Land. I am hoping that these movies will be better, I don't want to use one of my favorite artist as a reference for bad movies in the future.

The Story 

                 The story is basically about a clan of bad asses want to go to a town and steal some ancient gold to be rich and take over the universe. They all go to this Blacksmith who is the best in the country and use his weapons to do some damage to respectable people. The Blacksmith (played by the Robert Diggs) feels obligated to step up for his town and for self redemption and then we have our movie. Now, while the information I told you sounds pretty straight forward, the story is given to you in various doses of WTFness. You are introduced to characters in the strangest order and it is honestly hard to see who the main character is. You only are reminded that this story is the 'Blacksmiths' story by his speeches throughout the movie. When characters that are connected to the main characters and their world are killed, you really don't feel in the least bit upset. People die, the character reacts, and this is your face    :l   You have no interest in the story because of the way it is presented, so you have to rely  on the action for your entertainment.
The action...is pretty good. I will say that the fight choreography is surprisingly fun to watch...when it is happening. The Man with the Iron Fists is about 2 and a half hours of maybe six story based fight scenes. Yes some of these fight scenes are really cool, they are gruesome, fun to watch, but VERY CG bloody. There is so much CG blood that I honestly think that The RZA was going for a PG13 movie for the child audience, but someone upstairs on the Big Chair said that Kids won't go to see it. Other than the gripes I mention above, I will say that the action is fun to watch.

The Performances 

                  OK RZA this was your first script, and judging this script against others in the mindless action genre I can say that it holds up. Yes, this script was better than Battleship's, but that is not something to be proud of. While dialogue was not horrible, but it was CHEESY, the story was all over the place, therefore, the script was all over the place. There are still parts where people talk to each others and you get it, they don't say unreal or unnecessary things. There is, however, a big problem with the voice acting, And the Lip acting.  Yes people there are audio dubbed characters. When you use an Audio dubbed actor, you have to make sure they have one of two qualifications....Make sure they can kick some serious ass on film, and make sure their lips look like they are forming the actual words! At first I thought the audio-dubb was on purpose like 'Kung Pao' but....(click on the video above for me, I want to project that face palm to you)  characters are obviously mouthing the English words. The mouth movements are so bad that you try to focus on other things to stay into the movie, things like the bad costumes, or the REALLY bad wigs. Those wigs are bad. The wigs looked like the costume team mugged a couple of DBZ Cosplayers and just dyed the wigs brown with grey streaks. No Kidding, you will see a Trunks Cosplay wig. "If you don't know what DBZ is or who Trunks is...shame on you"
So let us get to the rating.

The Rating 

I want this to be special because The RZA created a new Rating for Future movies with this. Now If I have to take all the problems and good things about The Man With the Iron Fists, and compare them to the wonderful wold of taste, I  could only go with one thing. Have you ever went to the house of a good friend or relative. You get into the house, you get situated and the mom or lady of the house INSISTS that you sit down to dinner with them. You, being the great person that you are, know that you have to have dinner with the family. You sit down and there is a plate full of...stuff. It is not bad stuff, it is not good, it is simply too damn much. And you know you have to eat all of it to look like a good friend or family member. You wont be satisfied, you'll just be full and uncomfortable. That will be your feeling if you have a friend with...some... mental... deficiency who thinks this movie is awesome, makes you sit through this movie. If you don't fall asleep, you will feel like you filled your mind with unnecessary information. Since there are good qualities to the movie I will have to tack one standard rating to it. The Man With the Iron Fist IS:
Bland- Needs more seasoning
and, The New Rating That is awarded to our Iron Fisted blacksmith.....

Fattening!

&

Needs More Seasoning

yeah, this was a Sumo Serving of Bland Rice!!!

Jack Reacher Review

OK so Tom Cruise plays a guy from a book that is supposed to be 6 foot 5, 270 pounds of military badass...Did that trailer say Tom Cruise? He was shorter than the couch he jumped on in Oprah! 

 

Jack Reacher

                          OK so our next big DVD release is Jack Reacher . I would would like to start off to say Jack Reacher is one of those movies that did not need to star Tom Cruise. Jack Reacher is a reasonably popular book about a rogue veteran that can kick some ass. He is supposed to be this big, powerful, but smart detective that is capable of making you eat your teeth. Reminds you of the Arkham City Batman doesn't it?

 

 

Cast and Crew

Jack Reacher stars Tom Cruise and is directed by Christopher McQuarrie. Now while McQuarrie's directing talent may not be reputable; he directed MI5: Ghost Protocol, The way of the Gun and Jack Reacher; does McQuarrie have a good career in writing screenplays? NO McQuarrie wrote the screenplay to Wolverine Origins, the Marvel movie that has generated as much fan hate as Dare Devil. And he also wrote 'The Tourist' a movie that absolutely wasted the acting talent of both Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp. But he also contributed his talent to 'The Usual Suspects' and 'Valkyrie' and those moves are not bad at all. The supporting cast consists of David Oyelowo, Rosemund Pike, and Richard Jenkins.

 

Story

 

 

 

                     The story of Jack Reacher is just simple. Bad guy does bad thing, Jack Reacher reaches around to find the real underlying plot. Jack Reacher is no normal cop, he is a military cop and he investigates murders committed by trained killers and this gives him an edge.So this movie starts off with a pretty heavy scene that is sort of cliche but executed ehh....well. All you know from the trailer that there is a pretty evil guy out there in this world. The intro kind of gives you a promise that you are in for a serious ride and then the movie happens. You meet bland characters doing bland things and making bland assumptions until a bland Jack Reacher comes into town and shows them all that they are umm..bland. You have to understand, when when someone does something evil in a movie, the audience is supposed to feel something! If Russians blow up a mall, or aliens attack a city (Pointing a hateful finger at you, BATTLESHIP) , or terrortists shoot up a school (none of these events happen in this movie) I am supposed to feel something. I am supposed to say out loud 'that's f*%$3d up'. But when I saw this ...I went...Eh..

 

The Performances
Now the supporting cast was not bad at all. There is some acting talent in this movie but they had to do what they could with the script and story they were handed. I think David Oyelowo did a good job of not looking like that cliche' cop that he was casted to be. Now the villains, oh these villains are funny. You get your standard generic prime time TV bad guy in Jack Reacher.
The real problem to me is that Tom Cruise doesn't...fit this role. I could see a Christian Bale (not because of Batman either), or a Bruce Willis playing this role. Jack Reacher is supposed to be a bad ass, and we have grown up watching Tom Cruise play the golden boy roles. That is where the story fails. When Reacher is walking around figuring everything out Sherlock Style, you don't believe his performance the way you believe Robert Downy Jr. in the Holmes movies. When you watch the action, Jack does NOT look bad ass until the very last fight....Time to talk about these villains

                    

                            The generic terrorists and bad guys are funnier onscreen than an 80s bond movie. These guys are idiots. You will find yourself asking "How the hell are idiots like this supposed to be professional killers?" Have you ever seen your friend play a game on easy mode and they have all the codes turned on. Your friend sucks at the game, but the enemies suck more and your friend is just wasting EVERYTHING. That is Jack Reacher; a washed up 45 year old with basic common sense skills that flew to a city that the government ships all of our ...slower...special...people to govern themselves. He makes common sense connections that the...special...people see as genius and becomes the hero. Why am I being so tough on this movie? Because there are critics out there that called the twist of this movie, a TWIST, the so called 'twist' was more obvious than a twist in a Pixar movie.

 

The Rating
Now it is time for my rating... Is Jack Reacher trash? No, if this were a straight to DVD or Netflix title I would be more forgiving to this movie. I am judging the acting, writing, and directing talent behind the movie. The Director of MI5, does have talent with his cinematography, there are some cool shots, and a chase scene that was not too bad. However, I have to judge this as a whole, the story, the acting, and the mistreatment of a fairly popular Novel is unforgivable. It is obvious that someone behind this movie was in it for a quick buck off of the name of Cruise. I really hope to see some better work by Cruise later this year..

 

Jack Reacher, you were a

 

 

FOUL

 

 

                                                Tasting Movie....