As you all may know, I am a media scholar and a film critic. And as a critic and a person dedicated to committed to sharing with the people I want a rating system that resonates with everyone. There are many critics that use the Number system from the 0-10. Or other critics use the school grading system and I want to tell you why those rating system's suck.
The Number system? This sucks because for most critics, a movie will NEVER be shitty enough to make 0 or GRAND enough to make 10, so with two factors and 10% of your possible rating system being useless, this scale is useless
The Grading system? Some critics don't know that A-F grades are actually quite different across the United States. Many schools don't even use this letter grading scale in order to take pressure off of the kids. This means that some people wont be able to relate to your scores! and I cannot have such a thing on my watch....
Thus, We Use TASTE!!!!!
There is something we all can relate to, all over the world and that is the sense of TASTE. We may have different preferences and different things we like or dislike but that is one of the things that make taste so relatable to film. You may have a friend like enjoys the taste of raw fish and senseless action movies with no plot, but that is his Taste. I plan to use my trained palate to tell you what I think about your content as I delve further into taking a bite out of your Entertainment
1) Delicious
...yes.... I find Steak and Waffles to be Delicious....so what. Delicious is the highest Rating a movie will get from the Tastebud Reviewer. When a piece of Media is Delicious, It hits you in all the right places, Great Direction, Great production, Great Cast and Crew ...Great Everything. This kind of movie is a movie that should go in your movie collection, it should be purchased on Blu Ray, and if it is missed in the Theaters, you feel regret that you haven't spent the 18 bucks to give it a quality viewing. That my friends, is Delicious a meal that you are prepared to enjoy again and again.
2) Great Tasting
I actually created this rating upon watching Taken. While some foods are not Delicious they are just better than satisfying. This rating applies to that kind of film. I'ts not perfect, but it better than good. Your money and time are well spent and you are willing to see the movie again, maybe even twice. It's not perfect by all means but the film is very good. That my friends is a great tasting dish.
3) Satisfying
Pizza is the perfect example for this. When I think of a film that is Satisfying, I am thinking about something that I naturally don't regret seeing. It is a fun watch, it has a good story and I am generally pleased with the experience. The film of course is not perfect, but it is just right.
4) Needs More Seasoning / Bland
This is actually two Ratings but they both fall under the same category of not having enough content .If I say a movie Needs more seasoning I mean it. Let me explain. have you ever went to a movie and just know that it is a movie that could be awesome, but its not. It may have a lot of the right ingredients but falls flat on its face by using cliché's following sad formulas that we have seen over and over again . That is why the illustration above is Rice and Bread. I like Rice and I like bread. But Rice is Awesome when stir-fried with other stuff, and bread is Awesome when you add meat and lettuce or at least friggin Jelly. Media like this is tired and deserves only a matinee or rental at the most only because the content is enough to demand more Seasoning.
If the Title is Bland (and doesn't say Needs more Seasoning) Steer clear from it because you are in for some good old fashion boredom with a hint of interesting dialogue or one or two good actors.
5) Foul
The food above looks like either Prison food or School Cafeteria food right? Because it is! A Foul movie is just a batch of terribleness that belongs in jail locked away and only to be consumed as a form of horrible punishment. Stay for away from a movie with a foul rating. Unless you are a movie goer that has a thing for abuse and masochism.
6) The Infamous...Shit Sandwich
Is there any need for explanation? No? Well I'll explain anyway. Have you ever gone to one of those restaurants that make you feel all wholesome inside and you make that 25 dollar purchase for a good meal and you get back...shit... You look at your bill afterwards and that Heat just creeps up your neck because you spent a considerable amount of money for sub-par food, sub-par drink and sub par service...guess what that is not even remotely bad as being served steaming hot shit sandwich. A movie that just racks your nerves in every single scene and collects a lovely 65 million on opening weekend....yeah I'm talking to you "Resident Evil" 2-5, I'm talking to YOU "Hansel and Gretel, Which Hunters" and don't dare make me mention that pile of feces "Last of the bad acting Kid's acting career Air Bender".......(Exhale) This is the lowest score media can get...let us move on
The Sub Rankings
Note: sub-rankings can stand alone or have a
original rank attached to it as well
1) Nutritious
Nutritious content is meant to be good for you. Maybe informative or Intellectual. This content is something that is often used for educational purposes. If I rank it Delicious and Nutritious, Think of it as a good Smoothy, a film or game that you can gain something from but are bound to enjoy like the 'Nike Plus+ Pro Trainer' on Xbox Kinect. If I rank it a Nutritious Shit Sandwich, Think of raw beats or 'Captain Planet'...I hated that anti-pollution propaganda, racist crapfest !
2)Delicacy
The Delicacy is the media that is not meant for everyone. Some people love a lobster, some don't . When I say something is a Delicious Delicacy, Immediately think of Dragon Ball Z! or just Really good Anime. Think of good Comics too. These pieces of media aren't meant for everybody. Oscar Nominee movies fall under this category too. But if I say its a damn Delicatessen Shit Sandwich.... Think of ....a bad anime. A Show or movie that is supposed to appeal to fans, but ends up confusing them and turning newcomers to the franchise away. Or think of a movie that tries hard to be Oscar Gold or a Romantic comedy (cough....New Years Eve) but ends up being a bag of Feces in a Godiva Box....
Fattening
Yeah...have you ever found yourself watching that movie. THAT movie that claims the consciousness of many Americans world wide , that my good friends, is the Fattening movie. This is a Rank that was created by me after sitting through 2 and a half hours of "The Man with the Iron Fists" oooh LONG! Fattening movies are the movies that find it cute to pack too damn much content on you, leaving you tired and confused. There are a ton of Delicious Fattening things...shit if there weren't there wouldn't be so many fattened people flopping around. delicious Fattening movies are like "The Dark Knight" , "Lord of the Rings, The Extended edition" , "Django Unchained", "Inglorious Bastards" these movies will keep you up , while a Fattening Shit Sandwich will quickly put you to sleep in the theater. I cannot think of any this terrible and long enough to hit this list but I know they are out there and will grace my blog someday
'So Now you know my Rating Scale and my Sub-ratings
I would hope that the information above is not only
an interesting read but also can be a tool
for newcomers to my blog
If you want me to review anything from Netflix movies to classic films
to even games, be sure to like, connect, subscribe, share
and ask me to take a bite out of your entertainment
Remember this...ONLY a true friend would take a bite out of a shit sandwich
just to prevent you from eating it. I am that friend.
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